Dear Geico/Allstate,
Thank you so very much for going out of your way to make everything in my life more affordable. I’m incredibly excited about your new-found psychic abilities evidenced by your knowing that I am, in fact, currently paying for car insurance despite it not even being in my name. However, I’d be much more appreciative if you could use those skills to send me the winning lottery numbers for a day maybe a month away from now.
Dear Mediacom,
I do not currently have a home phone, so I’m a little confused by your concern that I’m paying too much for my home phone line. Furthermore, you may want to speak to someone about your ego. The notes on my account should speak volumes on how I feel about the services I’m currently stuck with through you and how often those services actually work. I’m not sure why I’d want to pay for another spotty service.
Dear Local Health Store,
I know this is America and we’re all ‘fatties’ but I find it a little presumptuous for you to send me so many promos for your new weightloss diet. Perhaps you’d be better off leaving stacks of these outside the 47 gyms we have in town. You’d probably garner better results. Go for the guilt trip, too, and drop some off outside of all the ice cream shops as well.
Dear Verizon,
Thank you very much for the pretty pictures of all the new phones I could own, but if you’ll recall, you just mailed me a new phone not 3 months ago. Do you expect me to need another one so soon? Should I be worried? Should I keep an eye out for glitches in my new phone already? Is there a hidden message somewhere that will cause my phone to self-destruct as soon as I discover it? Truly, I’m concerned.
Dear SGMC,
Thanks so much for the reminder of how much money I owe you, though I’m pretty sure you’re wasting paper. At my last count, you have no less than 8 copies of the lien informing you of the insurance company that will be paying you after my knee stops hurting. I appreciate your need to keep in touch though. I love you, too. But don’t call me, I’ll call you. *wink*
iTunes/Amazon/eBay/Target/Olive Garden/Best Buy,
I love you. I miss you. Feel free to send coupons, vouchers, and free services/products. Your face has been absent from my life for far too long. It’s been like a moonless night. A bowl without ice cream. A glass with no Coca Cola. An iPod with no songs. A me without you. Empty, I tell ya!