Transitioning

I’m sort of starting to see this year as a transition. Nothing’s really changing so much as I feel like I’m preparing for changes. I feel like I’m reaching some solid personal growth, but it’s not totally embedded yet.

For instance, I’m giving myself till the anniversary of our split to be bothered by anything related to Ryan anymore. I mean, we were integrated and I’m a nostalgic sap, so a year worth of ‘firsts’ without him has been…I dunno, I guess I wouldn’t say hard but I’ve definitely been aware of all these moments. But beyond a year? Well then I’m just dwelling for no reason. That time in my life is over. It had a hand in shaping me, but it won’t continue affecting my day-to-day.

So we’ll just wait and see whether I can actually follow through with that.

I have a goal to be more honest with a few people about my view of our personal relationship. There’s no ETA on that though. That’s just a big one and it’s a big enough step to acknowledge the need, so I’m giving myself time on this one.

And the big struggle has been the who am i/what do i want, million dollar question– so I’ve been keeping a list of Facts about myself. Things that are truly in my essence & not just situational.

I’m still fighting to get some sort of routine exercising going…but my sporadic bursts of exercise are becoming more regular, so I’m calling that minor progress. lol

Eh, one step at a time. I’m not together, but I’m getting there.

Still verdictless life

I think I want a unique job– something you don’t hear about often. For instance, I love that Catie is a reference librarian. For one, I think it suits her awesomely, but you just don’t run into many people who list librarian as their profession.

Maybe it’s a silly thought, but it just sort of worked itself out in my mind that I’ve always pictured myself doing something more on the uncommon side.

If I’m lucky this is just the first epiphany of many this year that’ll help me figure out just what the hell I’m doing!

Another year

“Twenty-four finds me in twenty-fourth place.” Well that turned out to be oddly prophetic for my year, I think. Twenty-five carries the connotation of a whole new era for me, and that’s exciting, but also a little scary. It marks a time when I’m learning to let go of some of my naive conceptions and questioning others.

A quarter of a century. Yikes. It might not be so scary if I felt I had a little more direction– which brings me to my lyrics for this year from Snow Patrol’s Chocolate:

I can make my first steps
As a child of 25

I can only hope for them to be a little prophetic as well. Hopefully this is the year I find that direction…



Full Lyrics

Jimmy Eat World’s A Praise Chorus also jumped out at me last week. It was one of my favorites on Bleed American and the line, “Even at twenty-five you gotta start sometime” suits me quite well for the upcoming year as well. Listen

Either way– so long to 24. It’ll certainly go down in the books as an epic year– some good, some bad, but all undeniably epic.

Outlet

I wish I had an artistic bone in my body. An affinity for sketching or arranging words. Or pleasing vocal chords. Sometimes I just feel like my soul needs an outlet. Clearly this is one of those restless moments. Otherwise I probably wouldn’t be babbling so incessantly on my blog tonight.

Maybe a hot bath will soak the restlessness away.

Kurt Halsey

I finally bought some Halsey prints.


Limited edition, signed.


“If only I knew the words to the songs you know”
Digital print on linen paper.

Most definitely need to frame them, but I think I’ll have them matted as well.

And I’m really looking for a print of Swingsetters to round it out.

I’d grab this one if I found it.

Ideally

I suppose I’ll have to find my ideal Me before I can find my ideal him. But I find it hard not to get caught up concentrating on the things I can’t actually control.

There are just so many layers to sort through… and I’ll always be a work in progress so at what point am I complete enough to safely seek my match?

And I’m realizing certain things that I want, but which things can I live without and which ones will their absence always leave me with a longing? There’s a line between settling and accepting that nothing is perfect; can I be satisfied that I’ve found the right middle ground?

I know I’m lucky to have even experienced some of these things to know I want them.

And I have a sneaking suspicion none of these questions would matter if I found the right one. But until then I suppose they’ll continue to plague me at random, ’cause where would I be if I couldn’t find something to fret over? o_O

Gnomes who say gni!

The guys have been really fueling my gnome love lately but I’ve been good! I haven’t bought any gnome stuff in a long, long time and I think I deserve a treat for that…….in the form of new gnomes! Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to pass up a gnome on sale?! And they’re always on clearance this time of year!

I’ve always wanted to have a charm bracelet and fill it with really unique and/or sentimental charms, and now that I’ve seen this silver gnome charm, I don’t know if I’ll be able to resist much longer. It’s too cute!!

And we’ve got two trees in the back yard that are the perfect width apart for a hammock, but until I get one, I could settle for this sleepy gnome as a placeholder ;) Once I get a hammock, he can guard it.

And I really, really love this leapfrog gnome statue. I love that look of hand-carved wood. I have a similar one of a gnome on a turtle– I call them Gandalf and Shadowfax. (Yes, I name my gnomes. Leave me alone :-P)

But I could talk myself out of all of those in favor of this book– How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack. Really?!

Move over zombies and adolescent vampires. There”s a new threat in town–and it”s only twelve inches tall. “How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack” is the only comprehensive survival guide that will help prevent, prepare for, and ward off an imminent home invasion by the common garden gnome.

Yes. Yes. And yes. Please. How could that not be hilarious?! I may hold out and see if I can talk someone into gifting it for my Birthday, but I’ll definitely order it asap.

Figuring it out…

Alright I think I’ve got this allergy thing figured out. When I have a fever is when I’m most miserable, and I absolutely have to stay on top of being medicated or it just comes right back. I’ve been feeling the worst right after sleep and that’s because I go so long without taking anything for the fever. So I’ve got that sorted now– alternating Tylenol and Ibuprofen every 4 hours. Kristi suggested that and I looked it up and found that’s a pretty common recommendation, so that’s what I’m doing now. I’ll set alarms when I sleep and have the next dose handy so maybe I can finally get this under control.

The rash is getting worse. I’d be worried, but I remember it going this way before. It’s just really slow to develop. I’m taking Benadryl for that and I’ve got some hydrocortisone cream for areas that are really bad, like my ears.

Other people are freaking me out– they think the reaction is either too severe or lasting too long to be just an allergy, but drug allergies aren’t like food allergies or side effects of diet pills, this is deep in my system and will take a while to fully work its way out. I keep jumping on Google to read up and reassure myself, so I know it’s not uncommon for it to really last. The fever is what concerns me most knowing the effects a prolonged fever can have, but now that I see that it’s not just going to fade out I can keep medicated for a few days to keep it down. In a few days I’ll lay off the meds and see if it’s gone.

I just hope the rash doesn’t get too much worse. It’s not overly noticeable in any visible spots right now, I just look pink unless you know to look for it, but if those areas start looking like my legs and chest do right now, I’m hiding in my room– work be damned.

Caleb James Harper

Would you just look at that cute little face? Caleb James Harper was born just after lunch today–8 pounds 11 ounces 20 1/2 inches, and a head full of hair!

I’m so excited for my brother. I know he and Ashley are gonna be fantastic parents. They’re such a great couple and they’ve done an amazing job getting their lives in order. I only wish they weren’t all the way in Oklahoma. I have no idea when I’ll get to meet this precious little boy.

James and Ashley are both pretty active on Facebook so I know I’ll get to keep up with him there. And I can’t wait for statuses from my brother when he starts getting frazzled– they won’t need a sleep aid, that little boy is gonna keep them worn out! And by Christmas Aunt Jade will have sent plenty of noisy toys to aid him in his quest ;)

Itchy

Back in September of 2005 I found out I had mono. This was after numerous doctor visits here in Valdosta– multiple docs telling me they didn’t know what was wrong, but I didn’t have strep throat and I didn’t have mono. They were all wrong, and I’d been given some amoxicillin anyway. By the time I found out I had mono, I’d just completed all doses of the amoxicillin and lucky me, found out there’s a fun reaction in your body when you take amoxicillin while you have mono– an itchy rash all over your body! It took a long while, but it finally worked its way out of my system.

Fast forward to now– I’ve been dealing with persistent sinus problems since the move. I always have minor problems this time of year with the season changing and all the dust in moving irritated my sinuses even more and just really set it off this year. So Keegan had some antibiotics leftover from a sinus infection earlier this year so he brought me those. I took a dose Wednesday afternoon at 2. By 5am I woke up with a mild fever and I thought my skin was just flushed from the fever. I took some ibuprofen and fell back asleep about an hour later. When I got up for work the fever was gone but I was still flushed. I just assumed the sinus problems were finally morphing into a full-blown infection. I took another dose of the antibiotics and headed to work. I was about halfway there when I realized what was going on. I stuck it out at work for a little while but decided to head home before it got too bad.

Fever was all over the place all day. My body ached like I’d had the flu for a week. This time I didn’t get a splotchy rash, I was just pink all over and mildly itchy, but it felt like a sunburn– between that and the fever I was burning up and freezing simultaneously all day. Illness is really better than any quick weight loss diets ’cause I didn’t eat anything till late in the evening. I just took naps and curled up on the couch to watch the boys play Halo.

Today I’ve had a really low fever off and on and my skin is still really irritated, but it’s not giving me that burning sensation, the itching is a little more annoying though. I’m hoping it’ll be all out of my system tomorrow ’cause I have to work at 5am and that’s just gonna be annoying.

So yep, I guess I’m allergic to amoxicillin. I was told today that my paternal grandmother is as well, so no surprise. I know I’ve taken it many times before but I also know allergies like that are often developed later. Most everyone on my Mom’s side shows an allergy to sulfa later in life so I think I’m just going to be safe and assume I will too, ’cause I really don’t want to do this again. Twice is most definitely enough, thanks.