Sweet Catastrophe

I feel like glowing a little for a moment. I’m just really thrilled with where Ryan and I are right now. It’s like we’re in this little bubble of growth and the results of things we’ve been working on are finally becoming noticeable.

He’s taking time to think things through before just automatically disagreeing with me. I’m learning to recognize when we’re really both talking about two different things.

I don’t really know how to explain it. I guess it’s like we’re completely in sync….matching puzzle pieces.

We’re heading to Louisiana for a few days during the second week of August and I can’t wait. It’s always great to have a few days away from work and an 8 hour drive is such a good time to talk =) Here’s hoping his final show schedule works out to allow the drive over to be a pleasant one.

…and by that I mean that I just can’t make up my mind. Not long after Will moved in, I decided I didn’t want another roommate after him. Not that I have any problem with Will at all, it just felt right when it was just me and Ryan here—though it was really only a short week. Having someone else move in just feels…like we’re a hotel or something. It’s our place, Will’s just staying here. I guess that’s a good way to put it.

I’m so back and forth though. Not having a roommate would add $150 to my monthly bills.

With a roommate, I’m constantly pausing whatever I’m watching when he walks into the room. I have NO idea why.

The apartment is so quiet when Ryan is gone. Sometimes I like that, and sometimes it just feels really lonely. I’m not sure which I lean more towards, and even still, Will and I don’t really have the kind of friendship that makes much of a difference.

And then again, with a roommate I’m subjected to more unwanted visitors. I never know who I might find here….on my couch or even in my shower….

On that same note, without a roommate I’d probably be dangerously close to being considered a recluse.

With no one here, I could light some candles, and take a hot bath with the door open. I used to love doing that…I like having the door open so I can have light on somewhere close by so there’s just enough filtering in. It’d be perfect here. Our bedroom door is across from the bathroom door so if I had the closet light on, it’d be the perfect mate for candlelight.

I don’t know. I mean, of course it isn’t anything I have to decide right now, but it’s certainly my decision. Ryan doesn’t care either way. With a roommate he pays $150 less a month, without a roommate, he could have an office in the other bedroom. He’s happy with either setup. As far as I know, Will isn’t going anywhere any time soon, but that’s really not a definite. That greatly depends on his job situation, so I’d like to figure out how I feel on the matter, ya know?

I really thought I knew, but these past two nights with Ryan and Will both gone, it’s almost uncomfortably quiet. Not sure how I feel about that.

This is going to be a long post. I apologize to my LiveJournal friends for the amount of space I’m sure it’ll fill on your page. I apologize also, for the cut at the end, which won’t translate over to LJ and will make it that much longer. But I need to write this all down for myself.

I was born on November 26, 1985–my maternal grandfather’s Birthday. On Christmas of 1986, he passed away–cirrhosis of the liver, caused by hepatitis. It’s no wonder, then, why I was always so attached to Papa Lott. Everyone used to joke that I didn’t like my grandmother when I was little, but that just wasn’t totally true, I just had a severe preference for Papa. Ya see, grandmothers, well, those were fully in stock, but grandfathers? He was the last one on the shelf.

I’m thankful to have so many memories with him. My first tackle box was one of his old ones. I remember the peanut-shaped indention on the top where something had melted into it out in the bait shed. I remember him and Daddy both, teaching me how to cast a reel. Papa started me on picking up pecans and taught me how to tell if they were good or not. He always sold my pecans for the highest amount he could get away with, and never kept a penny.

He taught me my first joke, and how to draw a chicken, and a 3-d box.

I got my chap stick obsession from him. He always had a cherry tube in his shirt pocket, and I always had to have it.

After Momma went back to work, when I’d get sick at school, Papa and Grandma would pick me up. They’d make a little bed for me in the front of the boat and I’d lie there, eating nilla wafers, waiting for Papa to hook a catfish and let me reel him in.

I spent countless hours in his living room, listening to records, and acting out the lyrics for him–riding a plastic horse and pretending to be Dolly Parton. I was his little country singing star.

I had such a strong bond with that man. I was his sweetheart, his darlin. I was somewhat of a ‘favorite.’ I was the last grandchild. He always exclaimed, “There she is!! There’s Jade Lott,” when I walked in the door.

The last time he was in the hospital, we knew we were on the road to the end. At the time, we thought he wouldn’t make it out of the hospital, and there’ve been too many times to count since then when we thought we were at the end. That’s part of what’s been so hard about this. I feel like I’ve lost him 5 times in one year.

Watching him slowly slip away was so hard. I hated getting to that point where I could look at him sleeping, and just know that my old papa wasn’t really there anymore. Even before that, every time we spoke, he spoke to me as if he was trying so hard to tell me everything, in case that was it.

Thanksgiving was…rough. I sat with my grandmother for two hours, talking about how this was all affecting her. When she started talking of the arrangements they’d already made, it was just too much. That’s when I learned we’d never even find out what the cause of all of this was.

On my dad’s side of the family, there are tons of us, so it’s really hard to get the full story on anything. Everyone attempts not to tell one person the same thing repeatedly, so inevitably, things get left out. So I don’t know the solid reason why he couldn’t be X-rayed, or taken back to the hospital for other tests. I just know that we don’t actually know what was wrong, and I’m confident that the right decision was made in not pushing it. This is when my grandmother told me of her theories, and that she wouldn’t let them autopsy him when he was gone. She didn’t want him cut up. That word, autopsy—what a cold word when you’re talking about someone who’s still here.

Sunday morning I clocked in at 8. There were a few no-shows, and the schedule wasn’t set up quite right so lunches had to start early, while we were still slow enough to deal with missing someone. I had to go at 10, and when I came back, I had just put on my vest when the caller id showed my grandmother’s house. I knew I needed to answer. Sherri told me that he was much worse, and that everyone was heading over. For a moment, I didn’t really know what to do. We’d already had so many false alarms, but then I started shaking and I knew that even if I didn’t go home, I would be no good at work with spontaneous bursts of tears.

The rest of the day was just a mess. Melony was supposed to bring me two couches, but there wasn’t going to be anyone here so I had to arrange with her to leave them outside. I ended up with one (not both) couches out in a light rain because boys are really dumb.

Use your imagination to paint the scene at my grandparents of people coming and going, basically saying goodbye. Grandma finally went to take a nap so I snuck away to see Jesalyn and Joshua for a bit, and let Rocky Joe know what was going on.

When I got back, my cousin Barbara, was getting ready to walk with a few of the kids down to a park, so I walked back to the car to get my sunglasses. Then, for only the second time in my life, I locked my keys in. I knew it immediately, and just decided to go to the park and relax, and deal with it when we got back.

Douglas is a small town, so cops will actually come out and try to unlock your car for you, so we called and the cop came out, but no luck. So a friend of Daddy’s came out and well, long story short, he scratched up and dented up and just generally jacked up my door frame trying to get in. In the process, someone, two someones, I don’t know who, came outside and yelled for me and Daddy and told us he was gone. There were people in the room immediately before. Daddy had just walked out– he went in to borrow the flashlight next to Papa’s bed. He was breathing then. Not two minutes later, Grandma was compelled to walk in and saw that he was gone. He waited to be alone.

David got to my lock and pressed it, and nothing happened. Repeat on the passenger door. The cop activated the security system that shut down my locks. Could’ve been worse–we thought he may have sliced the wire that works the locks, as happens often with my type of car. It was clear that Daddy wasn’t up for driving all the way to Valdosta and back–I think he had been to Jacksonville twice in a day or something, I don’t really know, but anyway, I was struggling to find someone to meet us halfway with my spare key. I finally got in touch with Catie, thank God for her, she agreed to meet up and then I just had to figure out how I was getting there. We decided I would drive grandma’s car, but with my license locked in my car, and not being familiar with it, not to mention the heartbreak in progress, I just really wasn’t comfortable with that.

As Uncle Danny was showing me how to move the seat, I stopped and said, “Wait a minute…I DO have a momma…” So I called and she came to pick me up. We met Catie a little over halfway and I finally left Douglas, knowing the week was just beginning.

In case you didn’t know, this is finals week for me. Monday morning, I had to do the oral portion of my Spanish final exam. I somehow managed a 100 out of that. Stress was prominent throughout Monday. Last I knew, Aunt Helen was trying to get Grandma to schedule the funeral for Wednesday, instead of Tuesday. Wednesday was the scheduled day for the final we’ve been explicitly told we can’t take at any other time for any other reason. I didn’t get all that settled until 2, but it was straightened.

The funeral ended up being Tuesday. I didn’t make it to the viewing on Monday; I found out too late. There’s not really much to say about the funeral. If you’re not from the south, you probably aren’t familiar with this custom, but in the south, when you see a funeral procession, you pull over until they pass. I was driving my dad close to the head of the line, and there was something very oddly comforting in seeing car after car, even semis, pulling over for us.

I’m sure there’s so much more I want to say, but I just can’t find all the words. I’d like to share though, a ‘poem’ my aunt had in the paper back in 2001. It shares a bit about Papa’s life, and some of the things he’d been through up to that point. Again, for those on LJ, I’m sorry that this won’t be behind a cut for you. Read the rest of this entry »

A few days ago, John and I were talking at work about all the gas price craziness.

I came up with, I think, a really awesome idea!

What if you could buy gift cards for gas? Not just normal gift cards, but what if, instead of buying $25 worth of gas, you could buy X-number of gallons? So say, today I purchase 10 gallons at $2.98 a gallon. Next week, price spikes again, but I’ve already paid for 10 gallons!

I really wish companies would consider this. I don’t think it would cause gas companies much of a loss, I mean, they could just do like normal retailers and jack up the price when we’re most likely to buy. Like at tax time, ’cause of course people would pay for a bunch of gas with their return!

I really don’t think it would be a hard thing to work out either.

On the drive home tonight, Ryan asked me what would be the first thing I’d do if I won a huge lump sum of money right now. He says he wouldn’t really do anything. He’d spend a little extra money here and there, but he’d wait until our lease was up here, buy a house, and then tell me. lol

Melony has been remodeling her house so she buys a bunch of new stuff after every paycheck and I told her Monday night I couldn’t wait to do that. She thought I was nuts, but really, I’m so looking forward to it.

I mean, I know remodeling can be a huge headache, but I’d love to find a great house, in need of very few repairs, and just go in and make it mine. I just don’t have the patience to start from scratch and have to make every little decision, ya know? But I’d love to have a house and be able to just go through and decide what I like and want to stay, and what I want to change–what I need to do to make it our home.

Of course, most of it is wishful thinking, I actually have some pretty realistic ideas of where the future will find me, but it’s definitely fun to dream. I’d like to think one day we’ll be in a position to hook up with somewhere like Outer Banks and have a nice, cozy getaway. Or even just be nomads altogether. I’m pretty confident that I could get used to moving around all the time. Especially right now when I’m not considering children. Getting settled and just having to pack right back up would obviously not be ideal, but in the right situation, I think it could be something I would see as ‘worth it…’ I guess for now I should just be focused on making it through college, huh?

Papa isn’t really doing so swell. He’s home, but he’s got a daily nurse and worst of all, he’s very hopeless at this point. Trips to see him are so depressing right now. There are bits of normal conversation, but the majority of what he says to me comes out as if he’s making sure he tells me everything he wants to say to me. I cry every time I think about it. (Two hints what I’m doing right now.) But I’m just trying not to think about it. He’s in his eighties and well, when he goes, I know it’ll be for the best. I can’t imagine what it’ll do to my grandmother though. They’ve been married for 61 years. They spent their last anniversary in the hospital. How romantic?

They give me hope for a happy future. (The also give me hope for a future filled with pills upon pills for funky bowels and osteoarthritis relief–these are achey people and they’ve passed on all their genetics to me!) I can only hope to one day be able to say I’ve been married for 61 happy years. Hell, with Ryan’s affinity for electricity and all things fire, I’ll be lucky to have a spouse who lives that long!

I’m planning on getting a small tattoo in honor of my papa. Ya see, grandchildren have come and gone, but I’ve always had my papa’s heart and he definitely has mine. I’ve always been….well…the favorite. My maternal grandfather died on Christmas when I was a year old. (I share a Birthday with him) So Papa is the only grandfather I’ve ever really had. We’ve always had a special bond.

I’m gonna get a small bumblebee. As of right now, I just want a little one behind my ear, but I want Pete’s tat first, so I may change my mind on the location by the time I finally get it. We used to play his records together when I’d stay with them. I remember one weekend I stayed with them and we spent the day playing records, and I held up a little recorder to record the songs to tapes for me. I’ve still got those and at parts, you can hear Papa laughing at me in the background; I was probably dancing or something.

Our favorite song was The Laughing Song, by George Younce. Here’s a quick video on YouTube, it’s the closest I’ve found to the recording I’m most familiar with. The laughing at the end always varies a bit. The lyrics:

Oh my name is Ticklish Ruben
from way down in old Vermont
I’ve been tickled by almost everything
I’ve been tickled by a feather,
I’ve been tickled by a wasp,
I’ve been tickled by a yellow bumblebee.
*Commence rhythmic laughing*

Papa’s always called it the Bumblebee song–I don’t remember, but that’s probably because that’s what I called it, ya know? He talks to me about the Bumblebee Man every time I see him =) And he always reminds me that he loves me a bushel and a peck, and a hug around the neck.

I think I’m off work next Sunday, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be in Douglas. I was only able to stop by for a few moments before we left for Oklahoma, but my aunt was sure to remind me that my grandfather is DNR (Do Not Resuscitate, which means if his heart stops for any reason, that’s it, he doesn’t want to be revived again.) So that was a big hit to take, thinking about his current condition.

I really need to stop thinking about this right now, so that’s the end of this entry. Friends don’t let friends drink and watch sad movies, dammit!

Recently, what I consider to be one of the best moves in PayPerPost’s short history occurred with the introduction of PayPerPost University, and Postie Best Practices.

There’ve always been objective, grey areas in the ToS, and of course, there are always people who want specific guidelines, but sometimes you just can’t deliver that! I was beyond thrilled to see Best Practices put into effect.

For those unfamiliar with Best Practices, I’ll try to elaborate. Best Practices are sort of guidelines, on the best possible way to do something. For posties, this is the best possible way to maintain your PayPerPost blog.

Many people were concerned about not meeting Best Practices guidelines and being penalized. This isn’t something to be worried about! You won’t be penalized for not following a particular guideline, but if you’re consistently seeing that your blog doesn’t meet a number of those guidelines, it’s time to take a closer look and make sure you aren’t breaking the ToS. For instance, there are a few Best Practices describing what percentage of your blog should be non-paid content, how much space ads should be occupying in your sidebars, and how often other sponsored posts are placed back to back. Now, if your blog doesn’t meet one or two of those, that’s not an issue, but if your blog consistently has too many ads, more paid than non-paid content, etc, it may be a signal that your blog appears to be in violation of one of those grey area rules in the ToS– Not keeping a blog solely for earning money. See? It’s just there to help you out when you’re questioning the way you blog, or simply to help point out something that may have never occurred to you!

I’m really looking forward to more things eventually being fleshed out in the Best Practices. I’m thrilled to have them there at all, knowing that it really gives us another avenue to consider when it comes to rules and regulations in the PayPerPost world. I can only hope that in the future, the PayPerPost team will come to us before adding new ToS aspects so we can all decided together where it best fits, ToS, or Best Practices? Or perhaps, if the new issue brings up new things to be added to the Best Practices.

PayPerPost, I’m still looking forward to seeing what you can do with this!

Catie found these Implicit Association Tests while she was doing some of her law research.

I’ve only taken two so far, but by the results I have a slight automatic preference to whites and straight people over african americans and gays.

There are quite a few other tests to go through.

I pretty much agree with the results of these two, though a portion on the sexual preference test had me a little confused. I’ll be the first to admit I’m not 100% accepting of extreme homosexuals. By extreme, I mean overly flamboyant gay men, or incredibly butch lesbians. In those cases, I really think it’s been a lack of exposure. I’ve just not been around many examples in South Georgia and I’m really just now getting a taste here in Valdosta. It’s still hard for me to understand a female flattening her chest and dressing to appear manly. It’s not something my mind is apt to grasp.

I used to tell Pete we were lucky to have come out of Douglas as open-minded as we could be. I still stand by that.

I think it was Catie and I who were discussing how weird things must be for all of our parents. Our generation, I believe, is really the first to have such a large percentage who understand alternative lifestyles. We’re in that big push towards understanding that sexual preference is just that, a preference; it doesn’t define someone. So our parents are on the edge, where they’re forced to learn to understand because they have homosexual children, or their children have homosexual friends. I can’t imagine how conflicting it is for them, fighting against the way they were raised.

I had a lot more to say than I thought about these tests.

Phew! I found a great dress! It’s brown and light blue (Ashley’s wedding colors are brown and pink) and it’s 3/4 sleeves so no arm flab! It’s pretty thin material too, so it won’t be too warm or anything.

Of course, buying a brown dress totally threw me off. I was all set with a black clutch and black shoes….now what?! After way too much searching, I finally found some brown shoes. See, the dress is like a deep chocolate brown, almost black, so it was hard to find shoes that looked right and didn’t just clash. No luck on a new clutch though. I’ve got a little tan canvas handbag I’ll just use. It’ll be better than my huge bag anyway.

This will probably be the first time I’ve worn heels twice in one week in a loooooong time….if ever. Be proud of my extreme girliness this week.

I talked to James yesterday. He’s really excited about us getting there. He wishes we’d come a little earlier so we’d all have more time together outside of him doing all his wedding stuffs.

I’ve been thinking the past few days how proud I am of my brothers. They’ve both had really sketchy pasts. I mean honestly, they’ve gone from drug rehab to preaching. Well, actually I think Rocky Joe was the only one to actually end up in rehab, but James definitely had to have a breathalyzer in his vehicle.

Their current lifestyles aren’t exactly what I want for myself, but they’ve really made something of themselves and I’m so happy for them both. I still can’t believe Rocky Joe is married and has two kids….where’d my horndog brother go?! Haha!

I can’t wait till James and Ashley are expecting. I know they plan on waiting a while, but Ashley’s gonna be such an adorable pregnant woman. And those kids are gonna look like little angels, for certain.

Ryan’s cooking me dinner now =) Most of my stuff is packed, just waiting on one more load of clothes and then I’ll finish throwing everything in my suitcase. I’ve got all Kristi’s stuff together too, just gotta drop it off at the post office tomorrow.

Oh and I totally passed my Astronomy test, thanks to Andrew and his amazingness! I owe him cookies, for real.

I can’t believe how unprepared I am for Oklahoma! I still haven’t even decided on my attire for the wedding! I have a few loads of laundry left to do, as I really need to make sure enough of Ryan’s laundry is cleared so he won’t run out of clean clothes and somehow manage to leave me with 8 loads to do when I get home.

I’m also doing a lot of school work ahead of time because when we come back, I can’t really afford to skip a day of class to give myself time to catch up, and I’d be kidding myself if I thought I’d do any work on the trip. We’ll most likely be getting back late in the evening as well, so it’s really got to be done now. Not to mention the two tests I’m taking on Tuesday because they’re scheduled during my trip. I hate taking tests early.

I’m really excited though! Oddly enough, I’m excited about taking a road trip with my mom. I love my mom and my stepdaddy. They aren’t letting me pay for anything on the trip, so I’m looking forward to being ‘taken care of’ for a week.

I’m a little anxious about meeting everyone and not offending anyone or anything. I’ve never met Ashley, so I don’t really know anything about her, or whether or not we’ll have anything to talk about. I know how religious Ashley and James are, but I don’t know about all of her friends from home, or her family. I’ve got to remember to take the, “Fuck yeah we can live like this,” button off my bag before we get there!

I actually don’t know how formal the rehearsal dinner and wedding are going to be either. I’m just not a really dressy person, so there’s the definite possibility I’ll stick out like a sore thumb. This absolutely isn’t a situation where I can just blend in with the crowd; Mom, Roger, and I will be the only ones there from James’ family, or even just his ‘Georgia’ people in general, so I’m sure there will be a fair amount of focus on us.

I’m really excited for my brother though. I’ve heard the way he talks about Ashley, and the glow that comes over him when he’s talking about her. You can even see it in their pictures. They’re so in love with each other. I’m so happy he’s found someone he can share his life with.

We’re doing it in order too! My oldest brother got married, now James, and one day me! I honestly thought, considering the lives my brothers used to lead, I’d end up the first (or only) married one of the three.

It’s been so long since I’ve been to a wedding. Of course I went to Rocky Joe’s, but it was pretty casual. I’m really curious to see their ‘theme’ and all that fun stuff. And James definitely has his own unique sense of style (in a good way, not a bizarre way) so I’m curious to see if they’re going with traditional bands or some sort of diamond rings. I hadn’t even thought of it until now, but I wonder too, if they’ll be yellow gold or platinum? I’ve always seen my brother as a platinum person, but if I remember correctly, Ashley’s engagement ring was yellow gold. Hmm… I know I’ll definitely want platinum. Don’t ask me why! I could easily go with white gold, but for some reason I like the idea of platinum better.

Anyway, here’s hoping I don’t forget anything really important for the trip! And here’s hoping I don’t mess things up within the first day and have a really awkward week in Oklahoma!!