Sweet Catastrophe

This is for Jamey!

These are all from various places around the web and my own memory, so forgive me if some of these look like they require credit—

· Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
· When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
· Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
· Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
· Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
· There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
· Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

· The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
· There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ Beard. There is only another fist.
· Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
· The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
· Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
· Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
· Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
· On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.
· Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
· Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
· Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
· Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
· Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
· Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
· Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
· Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
· Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
· Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
· The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
· Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
· Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
· Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
· Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
· Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
· When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
· Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
· How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? …All of it.

· Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
· When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

· While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
· Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

· When taking the SAT, write “Chuck Norris” for every answer. You will score over 8000.

· Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Is that enough for you, BEWD?