Alright, I have 92 forwards in my inbox from my aunt and uncle. I’ve been letting them pile up. They’re the only two people who send mail to my hotmail account, so I always forget to check. Try as I may, they can’t seem to understand the need to send email to gmail. Maybe one day….
Anyway, I don’t really do forwards, so here are a few of the ones I thought were worth passing on!
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have
Demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of
The year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli
(E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1
Kilo of Poop.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum,
Whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification
Process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
So just remember this:
Water = Poop
Wine = Health
Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to
Drink water and be full of sh_t.
There’s no need to thank me for this valuable information; I’m
Doing it as a public service.
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. “STOP!” he shouted in a firm voice. “Have you got a license for that thing?”
Ethel fished around in her h and bag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. “OK” he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted “STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?”
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said “On your way, Ma’am.”
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his “You-Know-What” in his hand.
“Oh, good grief,” yelled Ethel, “Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!”
This is an actual letter sent to Proctor and Gamble from Wendi Aarons, Austin, TX , regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph…
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak GuardCore(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t.
Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.”
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from “Aunt Flo”. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”
Are you f__king kidding me? Does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Kmart armed with a hunting rifle an d a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, if you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”, or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull s__t. And that’s a promise I will keep.
Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
Ahahaha! I feel her pain…I’m sure we all do. I know I groan and roll my eyes every time I see one of those commercials!
Sad News
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote ‘The Hokie Pokey’ died peacefully at
the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him
into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
Shut up. You know it’s funny. Now send it on to someone else and make
them smile.
Please read directions carefully-it’s a little complicated!
Merry Christmas Everyone!!!!!
Jeanne
Tequila Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup… just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the f ried
druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the lequita to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt.
Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
December 21st, 2007 at 7:55 pm
rofl I like the Hokey Pokey one. I might actually send that one out. But I will type it out, and send it only to a few people of course